My name is Bill and I was in therapy with Dr. Nicolosi for about three years. I’m now in my fifties and I’m an orthopedic surgeon.  [Note, a pseudonym is being used for this testimonial, and the photograph above is not of the actual client.]

I knew from the time of puberty that I was different from most people. I always felt that I was missing something, that there was something that wasn’t quite right with me, and that maybe it was even genetic. I was drawn to physically attractive men but I was also attracted to women, and I managed to date in college.

I didn’t feel that I was attractive to the men I admired, and I kind of assumed that that was to be expected; looking back, I think that was due to my low sense of self-worth.

After college, I married, but very soon, I became a homosexual sex addict, a pornography addict and a drug addict. I was looking at gay pornography as a daily ritual, and sometimes I would stay up all night. My wife discovered what I was doing and she started going to a women’s support group for wives of sex-addicted men at church. One night a woman gave her one of Nicolosi’s books, “Healing Homosexuality,” – stories of different men struggling with homosexuality, and for some reason I looked at the cover and started reading and just couldn’t put it down. I would cry almost every night thinking that I could identify so much with these guys and their stories. I told my wife, “I need help” and I got into therapy with Nicolosi.

I’ve come to understand some of the things that happened to me when I was younger, and I realize now that did the best I could as a young boy and as a young man. I didn’t understand the world or have any reason to suspect that there could ever be anything but good intentions from other people, especially family members in position of authority over me. I’ve also come to realize that sometimes adults unwittingly hurt their children. And I learned to forgive the mistakes that I myself made as a young boy and young adult.

When I was about 10 or 11 my family had a hardware store and there was a back office with this ugly leather couch that I remember all too well. My uncle was in business with my father; the whole family worked there. I was young so I would be in the back office resting, and my uncle would come in and undress and basically show me his genitals and come walking close up to me. I really had just blocked it out and forgotten about it, and I really had no conscious feelings about it; I was completely numb to it until we started talking about it, years later in therapy. But I think I just went into total denial mode at the time. I didn’t tell my parents or my grandparents or my brother so I thought I must have been an accomplice to it and have brought it on for some reason. There must have been a reason that I allowed it to happen.

I was a chubby, unathletic kid who was made fun of and as time went by, I basically began to believe that I must be gay. Kids were calling me a “fat fag” or uncoordinated, and were picking me last for a team, and so I basically took on the role. Also, my uncle coming on to me, putting his genitals near my face, made me question myself, thinking, “Maybe I am gay, and this is why he is doing this to me?”

My father was a great guy and everybody used to say what a gentleman he was, but he was totally dominated by my mother. She was the driving force in the family and she totally dominated his life and also our lives. My father became a workaholic and he would work from 5:30 in the morning until 7:30 at night, seven days a week. I really don’t have very many memories of him. I have an older brother, but I was always my mother’s boy. I was dressed by her sometimes in feminine clothes, and she used to always tell me how bad my father was and how he didn’t do this right or he didn’t do that right, and didn’t make enough money– all the complaints she had were lobbed at me. I took them on and assumed it as my role that I was my mother’s “husband.”

In therapy I learned that I am 100% man and my body is only subtly different from that of any other man. I have all the same parts and they work. I am able to please women just like any other man and I even have the same problems that straight guys have, the same worries and the same fears. The reality that I’ll never be a great athlete– it’s just a fact. Perhaps if my father had spent more time with me or other people had spent more time with me I would have been athletic, but I’m not, and I’m never going to be, and I’m OK with that. I have other ways to exercise and make myself fit.

Since my SSA has diminished, I see more clearly my responsibility to my family. In my preoccupation with my problems I’ve long neglected them. I have a son who is now 12 and I had found myself falling into the same patterns I was in during my addiction of ignoring him and my wife. She was very forceful in a lot of ways and I had to really step in and take over and mentor my son and save him from the same fate that I had faced. I pride myself on the fact that I’ve been involved in a youth organization. I now spend weekends with my son– I spend a lot of time with him. I help with his homework, and I just talk to him. It’s really helped me a lot to be able to see the pattern that I was caught in as a child, and avoid inflicting it on another person, in this case my son, and turn it around. I also learned and it was really important for me, that it’s OK to look at others and admire them because there are men and women who are absolutely physically very beautiful and genetically gifted and they may have bigger genitalia than me or be slim and have great muscles or be very handsome or beautiful but I have other things of value they don’t have and probably won’t have. It’s OK to admire them for what they have and I don’t need to sexualize them. That’s a key understanding for me that it’s OK to just admire, not sexualize, what they have.

Today my SSA is really minimal unless I am stressed. It takes a lot of things for me to get stressed and destabilized, and that’s usually a combination of work, home, and financial problems and then I become a little insecure about myself. But I have no interest in acting out sexually with men anymore. I have slipped maybe 2 or 3 times in the past few years looking at pornography and that’s been my slip but I’ve not gone back into drugs. I really don’t want to masturbate; I don’t want to look at gay porn. Each time I’ve actually acted out, I’ve been able to discuss it with my wife and work through it and I was very blessed because although she’s uncomfortable about it, she’s there for me.

When I started therapy my homosexual activity was almost a daily thing. I lied to my wife all the time, I was always out screwing around with many different people… I looked at pornography every night, masturbating every night. I was web-caming with other men on the web every day.

I thought I was managing the responsibility of a physician fine, although toward the end I really was out of control and I knew I was addicted to pornography, masturbation and drugs and I really wanted help but I didn’t know how to ask for help so I wanted my wife to catch me, and ultimately it did happen that way. It was embarrassing, it was humiliating but I’m very thankful that it happened. My wife is doing her work on the relationship right along with me and we’ve come a long way.

Today I have zero interest in gay stuff. But I realize that after years of a habit pattern, I still have to be vigilant. I’m learning to recognize the things that could still lead me back down into the graveyard of that thought process, and I try to prevent that from happening and I have learned how to minimize that.

One of the things that stresses me out is being used by people without even realizing it, and trying to meet people’s expectations, trying to please other people and knocking myself out, and when that happens, the stress just builds up. I have to check that and that’s a reality check from time to time. That is the way I’ve been taught. Basically, I was conditioned by my mother to always be giving to others and denying myself, with the message I seemed to have learned: “Today is for you, tomorrow for me.”

I started reading Nicolosi’s book “Shame and Attachment Loss.” And I got to tell you that I’m not stupid but that’s the hardest, most dense book I’ve every really read. I really felt a need to practice every word and understand every concept and I would be lying if I said I understand it all, but I have the basics and it helped a lot.

When I started seeing Nicolosi I was still doing drugs and I was still acting out. I was in therapy thinking that would help for my wife but for awhile, I really wasn’t changed, it really wasn’t working.

The turning point was on a Sunday night. I wanted to go to the bathhouses and act out and do some drugs. I was driving back from a weekend conference and I kept trying to decide if I should go by the bathhouse. If I drove by I knew I would go in. If I saw where it was I knew that it was inevitable that I would go and I told myself, you have a chance to make things better for your life and you’re at a crossroads here you can have a fresh start and what are you going to do about it? I decided instead to go to a hotel. I checked in and called my wife and told her all about it. I cried on the phone, then ordered a steak, ice cream and apple pie, and my life has just been so blessed and beautiful since then. I have learned that I can make the choice not to get involved in that.

I have also been able to tell my 25-year-old daughter about every living, breathing detail as well as my wife. I never want anyone to come up to her and say, “Do you know what your father did?” I wanted her to know the truth from me.

When I told my 25-year-old her response was, “I thought something was wrong with me. I thought you were ignoring me and not spending any time with me because something was wrong with me.” So it was not a pleasant discussion for me; it made me feel terrible. It was very difficult, but I’m just grateful that I did it, so maybe she can have some perspective and know that my ignoring her had nothing to do with her at all.

I’m not a religious person, I’m not Christian, in fact I’m Jewish but I don’t practice any religion. I could almost say that I was agnostic or almost atheist but I honestly have had a spiritual enlightenment or awakening. It embarrasses me and I hate to say it. It’s hard to believe that I would ever say it, but something changed. I think it was the surrender part and I surrendered my shame, my shame that I had been carrying around, the shame about things I was doing and the way I felt as a child. I had been carrying this burden on my shoulders for so long.

Following is a letter written by a graduate psychology student to his college professor.

The student has struggled personally with same-sex attractions. In this letter, he seeks to educate his professor about the unmet developmental needs that lay the foundation for homosexual attraction.

He describes the unmet needs he recognizes in his own background, and at the same time, explains why the “born that way” theory simply doesn’t account for the development of his homosexuality.

Dear Professor,

I am enjoying the multicultural counseling class immensely.  But there is a subject, which, when it comes up, I feel like a distinct minority, and it is causing me pain.  You appear to hold a strong point of view on this subject, which I know springs out of good intentions, but for which I feel invalidated.

I would like to begin by referencing a quote from page 205 of the textbook we are reading.  In referring to African-Americans, it quotes:

“Environmental factors have a great influence on how people develop.  This orientation is consistent with African American beliefs that racism, discrimination, oppression, and other external factors create problems for the individual.  Emotional disorders and antisocial acts are caused by external forces (system variables) rather than internal, intrapsychic, psychological forces.”  (Sue & Sue, 2008)

The quote seems to imply that the black experience of oppression is due to what they grow up with and face environmentally, rather than any intrinsic difference.  And that it is these environmental factors which are the problem.  I agree with this.

In my own life, the “environmental factors” that influenced my growing up caused many maladjustments.  You know, for example, that my dad sexually abused me.  In addition, core needs of mine were unmet.  It’s a theme you read about in my personal life story paper in the Human Development Theories class you taught.  I believe a principal need of mine that went unmet was attuned nurturance from my dad.  To me he was such an unattractive and abusive individual that I can remember as early as age 4, detaching from him as a kind of defense response.  This has been termed “defensive detachment.”

I turned instead to my mother, who was only too eager to have “a special little boy” to look up to her.  I believe, in fact, that I was meeting her emotional needs as much as, if not more than, she was meeting mine.  This set up a very unhealthy triangulation dynamic in my upbringing.

My dad was scary to me, and I felt I needed to suppress my natural masculine instincts in order to survive.  Take for example, the day when I was six years old, and stood at the front of the line with my family, and decided to express masculine initiative and care for my siblings.  We were standing in line to order donuts at one of these places with 50 different donut varieties.  I remember how overwhelming it felt to choose which donut to order.  I imagined that the rest of my family felt this way too.  So when I saw a piece of brown donut on the counter top within my reach, I thought I could narrow the field on behalf of my family.  I proudly announced “I’ll taste the chocolate donut!”  I then picked up the donut piece and popped it into my mouth.

I felt like I was expressing qualities of both problem-solving and love for my family. This was true masculine initiative, coming from a six-year-old boy.  What happened?  My dad started slapping me in the face, with a mean, ominous look.  No words were spoken.  I ran to my mom and buried my head in her skirt. She said nothing on my behalf to my dad.

I share this with you because this, and countless other little incidents like it, had a dire effect on my self-concept as a male, and my sense of personal power.  My self-esteem kept sinking and I began to portray myself as a victim, seeing most males as mean and scary, like my dad.  I had a real problem.  I had defensively detached from my dad, and was also defensively detaching from the boys at school as well.  BY DEFAULT, NOT BY CHOICE I identified with girls, because it was safer to be around them, and my subjective experience from males had been so negative.

So what do you think happened to me in adolescence?  I WAS SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO OTHER BOYS, NOT TO GIRLS!

Does this mean I was “born” gay?  A counselor I once had seemed to imply that an abusive father “knows” when his little toddler son is gay, and unconsciously abuses him for it.  It’s such an outrageous implication, it makes me vomit.

Did I want homosexual arousal?  No.  Did I choose it?  Again, no.  Was my upbringing a major factor in this?  Sadly, I find that the psychological community in general would admit that it was a small factor that was meaningless, because I was probably born gay.  The Sue & Sue textbook states on page 445:

“As one researcher concluded, “Homosexuality in and of itself is unrelated to psychological disturbance or maladjustment.”

For many gay men I have known or met, I COULDN’T DISAGREE MORE.   And it is sad that an enlightened textbook as this has given us a chapter on sexual minorities that is so single-track.

Also on page 445, is a discussion of the APA removing homosexuality from the DSM in 1973.  It goes on to state:

“However, it did create a new category, ego-dystonic homosexuality, in the third edition of the DSM…for individuals with (1) ‘a lack of heterosexual arousal that interferes with heterosexual relationships’ and (2) ‘persistent distress from unwanted homosexual arousal.’  This category was eliminated in the face of argument that it is societal pressure and prejudice that create the distress.”

Wow, I would definitely have fit that DSM description, and perhaps a therapist could have addressed it with me.  Too bad they removed it.

Why was it that I could not embrace a gay identity and gay sexuality?  I can’t speak for other men, but I reject the notion that it is strictly because of societal disapproval.  In my own case:

My sense of masculinity had been extremely compromised as a boy, and this was related to abuse and rejection from males.  I felt so lacking in masculine affirmation, which to me is such a natural and normal need for boys (as is feminine affirmation for girls).  Yes, I desperately needed connection with the masculine, and in part because I was afraid of other boys, I didn’t like sports, which is a major avenue whereby boys in our culture get that masculine connection.  I couldn’t seem to get what I so desperately needed.  It’s as if my psyche screamed “Get connection with masculine, and get it now!”  So no wonder my bodily response in adolescence was one of sexual arousal toward other boys!

So why didn’t I “go for it”?  It is true that my religious/ spiritual convictions played a part as a huge protective factor.  But beyond that, I knew something profound at an intuitive level.  That capitulating to my sexual desire for other boys would be to capitulate to the abuse, and to the family and social factors that had caused me great emotional pain in the first place.  Instead of feeling better about myself as a male, this would likely cause me to feel worse about myself.  I do not attribute this feeling to societal pressure, although I admit that such pressure is strong.  For me it had to do with wanting to access my own masculinity, rather than cannibalizing it from another male.  And also, despite being “exciting,” the idea of sex with a male felt “dark.”

In my journey, I certainly understand that piece about “darkness.”  I believe that being sexually and emotionally abused at a very young age was a large part of that darkness.  The reparative drive of the human psyche looks to the familiar, in order to try to promote reparation, or “healing” (witness the women who were battered by their fathers, who go on to marry a batterer).  On some level, I believe I intuitively understood that sex with another male would have been like a re-creation of the sexual abuse I had experienced.

Through lots of personal growth and prayer, I felt my self-esteem improve as I moved into young adulthood.  Beginning a professional career in my 20’s was difficult, but I stuck it out. When I began to hit my stride in my department, my manager, who was a man I looked up to, as well as other men in the office, praised me, and affirmed me.  I felt AFFILIATED with men in a positive way, for perhaps the first time in my entire life.

How interesting that this was the period when I met the woman who was to become my wife, AND HAD GENUINE AND COMPELLING SEXUAL AROUSAL TOWARD HER.  Having sexual arousal TOWARD A WOMAN had never happened prior to this in my entire life!  However, after a time, the same-sex attraction returned, when healthy masculine affiliation waned again.  And in my private thoughts and moments, my sexual fantasies would be about men, not women.

After my divorce quite a number of years later, I attended an intense, week-long residential therapy program, geared for people who grew up in dysfunctional families–often with a substance-abuse component, and the problems which derive from that.  The program was excellent, and tears it evoked in me were intense. It was like lancing a wound.  We were, of course, encouraged to find a therapist when we returned home, if we did not already have one.  Before leaving the retreat, I spoke a few minutes to the clinical director of the program, to tell her how much it had meant to me.  I then brought up the (to me) troubling subject of my unwanted same-sex attractions.  Her response?  She shrugged her shoulders, as if the feelings that had damaged my marriage, and were destroying my life, were irrelevant!  That’s SHOCKING to me.

So here are the stated choices, from the standpoint of the psychology profession:  That you are either heterosexual, or, if you feel attracted to the same sex, you are either gay or bisexual, and you should embrace your gay/bisexual identity.  But Professor, neither of those “shoes” fit me!  And I believe it is destructive to imply that the battle is between liberals and conservatives, or those who believe in gay rights, and those who don’t.  I vehemently disagree with the tone of the rhetoric of some right-wing churches, and with ANYONE who would bring harm to a gay person, be it physical or psychological harm.  And yet, the implication from our profession is that a gay lifestyle is totally healthy, and should be embraced by any and by all.  I disagree with that profoundly.

So I find myself in a distinct, and yes, oppressed minority position on all of this, which rejects both the right and left.  The issues are so deep, and the arguments, in my view, by both the right and the left, so shallow, and take into account surface manifestations only, rather than looking deeply into causes.

I also believe that there are profoundly unhealthy behavior cultures rampant in the gay male community, which are harming men. (This has nothing to do with religious moralism).  But the psychology profession seems hostage to political correctness.

Consider a book that came out a few years ago called “Destructive Trends in Mental Health: The Well-Intentioned Path to Harm,” by Rogers Wright and Nicholas Cummings.  Cummings is past president of the APA, and Wright is the founding president of the Council for the Advancement of Psychological Professions and Sciences.  From a book review in the January/ February 2006 “Psychotherapy Networker,” I quote the following:

“Their charges of runaway political correctness add up to an exhausting critique…Many lesbian and gay activists want to forbid the right to treatment for troubled clients who come into therapy wishing to change their sexual orientation.”  (How outrageous—so much for client self-determination!)

“What seems to bother Wright, Cummings, and the other contributors to this book more than the content of political correctness is its baleful effect on the scientific foundations of psychology.  They believe that political correctness is behind the shortsighted view that science is somehow irrelevant to what psychologists do.  For instance, Cummings says that he supported the 1974 American Psychological Association resolution stating that homosexuality isn’t a psychiatric condition.  What’s often forgotten, however, is that further resolutions were passed, prescribing the need for more scientific research into the issue.  But none has ever been done.  In short, writes Cummings, “the two APA’s had established forever that medical and psychological diagnoses are subject to political fiat.”

Some organizations with religious affiliations claim to help men and women with unwanted same-sex attractions (SSA) to change.  But I am wary, because of what I view as a potential religious agenda.  There are, however, some organizations which are secular, and which are pioneering a relatively new model for healing from unwanted SSA.  Several years ago, I attended an experiential weekend put on by an organization called “People Can Change” (www.peoplecanchange.com)   That weekend was among the most powerful experiences of my entire life.  In preparation for the weekend, they sent an article about the principles behind change.  This (roughly 10 page) article is a very cogent and logical explanation of the causes of SSA, (for males) and the implications of the work needed to heal.  Professor, I have attached it to this e-mail, and encourage you to read it thoughtfully, if you are willing to learn about environmental dynamics which can cause SSA in men.  My own life story makes so much sense in light of what is written in this document.  In fact, it virtually is my life story.

Another secular organization is the National Association for Research and Therapy of Homosexuality (www.narth.com).  This is a network of therapists and psychologists who believe in a patient’s right to choose “reparative” therapy for overcoming unwanted SSA.

So how has “change” worked in my own life?  Whereas I used to isolate, I now have healthy friendships with men, which is meeting those needs for affiliation and affirmation from my own gender.  Same-sex attractions have gone from what I would describe as “troublesome” to now only very occasional, and when it does happen, they are far less intense than they once were, and fade quickly.  I now can spot the old emotional issues that I formerly was unaware of, and which used to translate into sexual arousal.  I have a much improved body self-image now, and have had two relationships with women in the last four years.  But more importantly, I believe that I have been shedding an imposed identity and embracing my true authentic identity.

Is this kind of reparative therapy for everyone?  No.  Is it hard work?  Yes.  As you know, the neural networks of the brain don’t change overnight.

Professor, there are many more details about my journey, but I believe I have written enough.  The work I have done toward sexual reorientation has been so profound, so life-enhancing, that it feels a bit like the lifting of a curse. I see this as a potential practice for me in the future: to help other men heal from unwanted SSA.

Please know that I admire you greatly as both a teacher and as a caring person (why else would I spend literally the better part of entire day thinking about and writing this?).  Thank you for being open to viewing such a “charged” subject in a new and thoughtful way, and to challenge your own conceptions.  Thank you for honoring my experience and my walk, and the experience and walk of those who will come after me.

Sincerely, and with care,

A Graduate Student in a master’s program in counseling

Excerpts from the professor’s response:

Hi Student,

Thank you…for trusting me with so many personal details of your story,
for telling me when I do something that hurts you, for taking the time to share your thoughts with me…

I have read your letter four times now, and will undoubtedly need to read it a few more times. Each time I am humbled and honored that you’ve talked to me, and that I get to know you… as well as so sad that I have invalidated your experience.  I haven’t read the article yet, but have printed it out to read later tonight.  But I didn’t want to make you wait that long for my reply, as I imagine you are wondering at my reaction…

I think your story is so important to tell, as (like you say) some of the views around sexuality are deeply imbedded in our professions…  Your story has definitely got me thinking, and I really thank you for taking off more of my blinders.  You are so committed and passionate about self discovery, and so am I!  So I thank you for making me more aware of what I say and how that impacts others.

Please can we talk more?  Or do you feel like you’ve said enough?!?

Professor

My name is Tom and I am in my fifties.  [Note, a pseudonym is being used for this testimonial, and the photograph above is not of the actual client.]  For a long time I had this uncertainty about my sexuality. This came from a combination of things: comments from other people, and questions I had about myself.

I had been looking at gay porn off and on since college days.  As my self-doubt grew and confidence diminished, the more I got addicted to it. This made me really question myself, thinking, “Is it true that am I gay?” The gay porn thing got me to say to myself: “Perhaps this is who I am.” It was kind of like, the more you do it, the more you feel you are actually going in that direction.  I was conditioning my mind to accept that this was the way it was going to be, so I resigned myself to the idea that I had to direct my sexuality accordingly.

I heard Dr. Nicolosi on the radio many years ago.  He described men who sexualized fear.  What he described was what I had been experiencing for years.  Many years later I finally decided to talk to him, wanting to resolve my issues once and for all. Soon after I started therapy I realized that many factors created my self-doubts. Most important was that my mother undermined my sense of masculinity.  It also didn’t help that I was not an aggressive young child and was very thin.  As I grew I was never big and strong.  After many months in therapy I started to understand what created my current mental state.  What really helped me turn the corner with understanding myself was the book, “Shame and Attachment Loss,” which described exactly how I grew up: I had a very aggressive and intrusive mother and a very passive and withdrawn father.  My childhood was just that description in Nicolosi’s book, exactly that. This started to get me to understand the source of my doubts.

Living with my mother was hell on earth.  She is a classic narcissist: extremely intrusive, the “her way or the highway” type. No rules applied to her, and yet, I was forced to follow all the rules of common human respect. On top of that, I had a father who would never put his foot down. He accepted my mother’s disrespect and conduct that he wouldn’t dare accept from other people.

I never saw my father as a strong male figure that could help me stand up to my mother, and that really created a pattern of self-doubt within me. My father was an example of a passive man and I followed that model in every relationship with a woman and needless to say, I got destroyed by these women because of it. In my first marriage I tried to be a strong man but I gradually assumed a passive role. I married a woman with the same narcissistic characteristics as my mother and I started to assume my father’s character. That just seemed normal to me.

When I was growing up, my father was my mother’s enforcer in regard to punishment. With him, there was never really any regard for compassion and trying to feel things out with me, and to really “get into my head” that way.  In turn I saw him as the guy who beat me instead of the guy who is supposed to set an example for me, guide me, and encourage me, and so on.

Getting beatings was “normal” in the Black Culture. It goes back to the slave mentality that got carried forward with us to how we deal with our own children. My father admitted to me that he received beatings from his father, so he was repeating the same behavior with me.

My mother was also physically abusive.  We got into a couple of physical battles but to a much to a lesser degree; the physical abuse was mostly from my father. She was more emotionally and verbally abusive, which I thinkwas worse than the physical abuse because it caused me to be very confused and too trusting of other people, just to be let down later, as if I expected it..  She was never a person of her word…she would play mind games with me and she was never accountable to anybody. She made up the rules and changed them to fit her needs.

I was married once before and, as I’ve said, that was a disaster. I let my wife horribly disrespect me, the same way my father was disregarded by my mother. Today I am in a relationship with a woman and our sexual relationship is really good.  I take care of her and she takes care of me, but I don’t think I’m going to get married.  I think we’re going to keep it the way it is, because as far as marriage, I really got beat up pretty bad financially in my first marriage, and I don’t think I’ll be signing any documents soon.

The EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) helped me get to the root of the problem by bringing memories back to me.  There was an incident when I was around 10 or 11 and I and another boy were playing make-believe and we would take turns being the female, and during that play my mother burst into the room and caught us doing that, and it was completely devastating for me. To me it was just playing, but I carried that shame forward. Her overreaction reinforced the idea that maybe there was something wrong with me. Instead of saying to me, OK it’s just child’s play, let it go, but don’t do it again, her punishment to me was as if she found something bad that I had inside of me. That sort of started the doubt: “There must be something gay about me” – even though I didn’t know the word “gay” at the time. Later, there were other incidents with other boys, I don’t know why.

Therapy changed everything. I would not have made the progress I have made without therapy because it helped me understand the root of what caused my self-doubt and the addiction to gay porn. After a year of therapy with Dr. Nicolosi, plus lots of researching and hard work on my own,  I can now draw upon the breadth of understanding of who I am, and I am not that shamed, helpless person.   It has helped me in so many ways.  I am so much more confident in myself.  I know who I am and know what I want.  I feel like I have put those doubts and questions behind me and I feel like nothing can stop me now.

I have a teenage son from my previous marriage and I’m aware of how I was treated by my Dad and so I try to be different with my son. I sit and talk to him. I explain things to him and try to answer his questions.

Today my SSA is zero.  I don’t think about it.  I stumbled upon some gay porn at one time and I looked at it and I was almost like, “Wow, I can’t even believe I was there, and I’m so far from there.”

The therapy with Dr. Nicolosi was for about a year and I really appreciate his help. Some of the things he said are still in my head, and when certain things happen to me I can still hear his voice. I wouldn’t have reached this point without his help.

My name is John; I pursued therapy with Dr. Nicolosi because my sexual life needed special attention and I wanted the best I could find. I am now 40 years old and was in reparative therapy for just over two years.

There was shame around my homosexual behaviors and I wanted a place to go where I felt safe to confide with some expert who could help me. I am Catholic and I wanted to pursue a healthy sexuality that I believe God wants me to have.

In the course of therapy I discovered how my sexual issues traced back to growing up in a dysfunctional household and especially, to problems I had with my father. I had never seen or discovered the connection before in therapy. I just couldn’t connect with my father. I experienced traumatic intimidation from my father including physical abuse, bullying and abandonment.

Nicolosi and I spent much time on one traumatic memory of my father threatening and pursuing me with a belt. I ran into my room, and he aggressively shook the door like he was going to break it down and I was so scared, I was crying and looking for a way to escape. I wanted to jump out the window. My life felt like it was crumbling. I didn’t know who this man was, but in the back of my mind I knew he had the belt and he had used it before so I was sure he would use it again. I was also traumatized that my mother didn’t protect me from him more. I don’t even remember if he actually came in the room. All I remember is the absolute terror of him threatening to break down the door and come in.

We used a method called EMDR and that sort of cut through quickly to a lot of these deep problems that I couldn’t get a hold of consciously and I really have grown to trust that method. I have a peaceful feeling with that method and it got me places that I needed to go to and to face.

Today I’m more hopeful and more independent. I have more of the skills that I need to help myself grow and address any kinds of feelings that come up that need to be addressed. I have a better perspective on my sexual attractions to other men. I have a greater perspective of what’s going on in me, especially the shame moments that go back to my childhood experience. I know those traumatic moments are opportunities for healing, and that’s very hopeful.

As a result, I think that my same-sex attraction have diminished to where they are probably 80%. better. I’m just more of a whole person. Facing this SSA part of my life has really helped me with a missing piece of what I want to be my whole and complete life. Today I feel like I’ve fallen in love with a wonderful young woman. My heart is drawn to this woman and I see a future and I feel confident that it will be a successful relationship and marriage. We are really lovers, we are affectionate toward each other, we communicate well, and we’re honest with each other. We have a lot of interests and activities in common. We hike, swim, we practice yoga together, we enjoy cooking and dining out. I couldn’t be happier. IT’S NOT TO SAY THAT THERE WILL NOT BE CHALLENGES ALONG THE WAY, BUT I AM LEARNING TO EMBRACE THEM MORE NOW. I HAVE A NEW CONFIDENCE, AND THIS APPLIES TO ALL AREAS OF MY LIFE.

She’s artistic, she does sculpture and I go there to her studio while she works and I do my studying. We’re planning a trip next fall to Russia. She inspired me to start taking scuba lessons with her!

A big challenge was to disclose my SSA issues to her. But I had support from Nicolosi and a network of guy friends I had developed AND AM CONTINUING TO DEVELOP THOSE RELATIONSHIPS IN A HEALTHY WAY. I was afraid that she would probably think I was too weird and reject me. But it went surprisingly well. She was receptive, compassionate and thoughtful, and processed what I was saying very attentively.

Nicolosi was very direct with me, very down-to-earth. He will challenge you when you need challenging but also be very empathetic. But he has a wealth of experience, he’s trustworthy. He has been a good mentor.

There were times when there were things I didn’t want to reveal or disclose in therapy, like body-image issues and sexual activities. Occasionally there were issues between us where I thought he did not understand me. These misunderstandings were blessings in disguise because it was an opportunity for me to assert myself, tell him that I thought I had been misunderstood, and experience his acceptance of my disagreement with him. Those were “double-loop” situations where we clarified our misunderstandings. This was something I could never do with my dad. In addition, I did a lot of grief work about my past, especially about my mother and my father.

I would advise anyone struggling with SSA to give therapy a try. It doesn’t hurt to try out three sessions and at the beginning, don’t really worry too much about focusing on SSA, BUT FOCUS ON THE HURT AND THE SSA WILL TAKE CARE OF ITSELF IN SOME WAY. You will be more healthy. Focus on improving your overall health. Again, just work on places where you need healing and the rest with take care of itself. I was NOT attached to results, and improvement happened in regard to SSA in an awesome way I could not have imagined. Things are not perfect but I have confidence for the future and a groundedness. . I am continuing to heal and learn at a more deep level. I’m more in touch with my true authentic self and deepest desires. I have come a long way and am excited about the future.

Therapy takes time, just be patient and give yourself time to process all the information. I am spiritual and so I needed to take all that we were doing in therapy to God and bring spirituality and psychology together to arrive at a more healthy place in my life.

The therapy helped me feel more confident around men, to connect more and deal with my tendency to be intimidated, and there is a lot of hope in that. I’m back to playing more sports now and I’m moving more outward to people in general. I’ll greet people more readily and I just have a more generous heart.

I think I’m more compassionate as a result of this therapy. There is a lot of struggle but there are a lot of blessings that come from therapy. You can be more connected to yourself and you’re a better person because of it.