The Meaning of Same-Sex Attraction
by Joseph Nicolosi, Ph.D.
During twenty years of clinical work with ego-dystonic homosexually oriented men, I have come to see homosexual enactment as a form of "reparation." The concept of reparative drive has been well-established within the psychoanalytic literature; in our application, the person is attempting to "repair" unmet same-sex affective needs (attention, affection and approval) as well as gender-identification deficits (Nicolosi, 1991, 1993) through homoerotic behavior.
Homosexual enactment temporarily relieves the stressful self-states that we repeatedly find in our SSA clients: most particularly, shame, conflicted assertion, the depressive mood that I call the "Grey Zone," and the social posture of the False Self.
For my clients, homosexual enactment does not represent their personal intentions, will or self-identity, and it is in violation of their aspirations and life goals. Gay life is unsatisfying to them, so they enter therapy in the hope of reducing their unwanted attractions and developing their heterosexual potential.
Homosexual acting-out, for these men, is an attempt at restoring psychic equilibrium in order to maintain the integrity of the self-structure. Through homosexual enactment, they unconsciously seek to attain a self-state of authenticity, assertion, autonomy, and gender-relatedness, but they have found that it eventually brings them none of those things-only a nagging feeling of inauthenticity, and still deeper discouragement.
A Lifestyle of Hiding
Many same-sex attracted men live in a state of vigilance against the possibility of feeling shamed. This creates a lifestyle of hiding, avoidance, withdrawal, and passivity.
In clinical settings we have seen that anticipatory shame can become so intense as to approximate paranoia, with the frightening conviction that another person has the power to turn everybody against him. Past associations to this frightening anticipation often go back to early adolescence, when a bully turned the other boys against him. Perhaps the shame originated earlier yet, with the "omnipotent" (in the child’s eyes) mother who, he feared, could turn family members against him.
Central to Reparative Therapy® is assisting the client's transition from the shamed state that creates the restrictions of the False Self, into the assertive state that fosters the True Self.
Here are some guidelines:
TRUE SELF
Feels masculine
Adequate, on par
Secure, confident, capable
Experiencing authentic emotions
Energized
At home in body
Physical confidence
Feeling empowered, autonomous
Accepting of imperfections
Active, decisive
Trusting
With Others
Attached
Outgoing
Spontaneous
Forgiving, accepting
Genuine, authentic
Seeks out others
Humility
Aware of others
Assertive, expressive
Mature in relationships
Respectful of others' power
Empowered
Integrated; open
Rapport with opposite gender
Sees other men as like self
NO HOMOSEXUALITY:
"Homosexuality rarely comes up for me. I can willfully visualize it - but it doesn't have that compelling quality."
FALSE SELF
Feels unmasculine
Feels inferior, inadequate
Insecure, lacking confidence, incapable
Emotionally dead or alternatively, hyperactive
Depleted
Body is object, not self
Anxious clumsiness
Feeling controlled by others
Perfectionistic
Passive
Defensive posture
With Others
Detached
Withdrawn
Over-controlled, inhibited, "frozen"
Retaliatory, resentful
Role playing, Theatrical
Avoidant
Self-dramatization
Constricted awareness
Nonassertive, inhibited
Immature in relationship
Resentful of others in power
A victim
Double life; secretive
Misunderstanding of opposite gender
Pulled by mystique of other men
HOMOSEXUALITY:
"I'm in that whole gay mindset... Sexual attraction to guys preoccupies and dominates my entire outlook."
References
Nicolosi, J. (1991) Reparative Therapy of Male Homosexuality. Northvale, NJ: Aronson.
Nicolosi, J. (1993) Healing Homosexuality: Case Stories of Reparative Therapy. Northvale, NJ: Aronson.